


Mad Scientists Only Work at Night

by SpiritsShackled, TheChainLink



Category: Original Work
Genre: Comedy of Errors, Dialogue-Only First Chapter, Late at Night, M/M, Mad Science, Slow Burn, Stuart's built and lost his creature, argument, body disposal, science fiction double feature
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28732368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiritsShackled/pseuds/SpiritsShackled, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheChainLink/pseuds/TheChainLink
Summary: It's a tale as old as time...You try to create the next evolution of man, only for it to explode in a geyser of blood and now you have to dispose of the remains with your assistant.
Relationships: Brian/Stuart, OMC/OMC, Original Male Character/Original Male Character
Kudos: 1





	Mad Scientists Only Work at Night

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written for a dialogue-only short story competition. I plan to continue this work with all future chapters in my traditional writing style.

‘Well, that could’ve gone better.’

‘Really, Stu?’

‘What?’

‘A person just died in front of us, because of one of _your_ idiotic experiments, and that’s all you have to say?’

‘Well, it could have.’

‘He _exploded!’_

‘It’s called tissue rejection, Brian. Sometimes the body parts just aren’t compatible!’

‘I know what it is! I’ve seen it before, and it doesn’t end with the host body erupting in a fountain of blood!’

‘Well this isn’t exactly a conventional experiment.’

‘Oh, you don’t say.’

‘Don’t give me that. You knew what you signed up for when you agreed to help me with this.’

‘I agreed to this because of the size of my paycheque, not my brain! I thought we’d put this so-called “next evolution of man” together, turn on the power, then write the thing off as a failure and dump it somewhere. This isn’t natural. This is like nature itself is trying to stop us.’

‘…Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?’

‘Oh fuck off.’

‘You first.’

‘Listen you—what’s that smell?’

‘It’s leaking.’

‘What?’

‘The body. It’s leaking.’

_‘Oh God! What even is that stuff?’_

‘Amniotic fluid, if I had to guess.’

_‘Amniotic fluid doesn’t glow, Stuart!’_

_‘_ How would you know?’

‘Okay, listen, _this_ can’t stay here. We need to get rid of it.’

‘And how do you suggest we do that?’

‘I don’t know—burn the thing?’

‘Do you have any idea how much heat it takes to cremate a human body? _And_ it’s got our fingerprints all over it! This is what I get for not buying protective equipment.’

‘Didn’t you say that stuff was too expensive?’

_‘Twenty pounds per lab coat, Brian.’_

‘And you wanted to be a surgeon.’

‘Shut up and help me move this thing.’

‘So how are we doing this?’

‘You take the legs.’

‘Yeah, they’re a lot lighter when they’re detached.’

‘We’ll clean up the rest of this later. Come on.’

‘I never thought I’d be grateful to be working out of your garage.’

‘Get as much as you can. You can’t just throw away a kidney.’

_‘Ugh! It’s still warm!’_

‘Don’t be such an infant. Just… put everything in here.’

‘In a wheely bin?! How are we going to move that around discretely?’

‘Alright, fine. Here, put the pieces in the bag. We’ll drive down to the docks, throw everything in the ocean, then forget about this whole thing. We’ll be there and back in about half an hour. This time tomorrow we’ll be laughing about this. Or at the very least we’ll be drinking until we forget.’

‘Sounds like a plan.’

‘Okay, let’s go.’

‘I’m beginning to understand why you only work at night.’

‘Mainly for atmosphere. Science just doesn’t feel the same on a sunny afternoon.’

‘Plus you can’t dispose of crimes against nature in broad daylight.’

‘You see what I mean? Always focus on the positives!’

‘You’re infuriating, you know that?’

‘I thought that was part of my charm.’

‘Stop talking.’

‘Okay. But I’m driving.’

‘Fine by me. I’ll put the bag in the boot.’

‘You do that.’

‘Hey, what’s in this bag?’

‘Weights.’

‘Ah.’

‘In this business, it’s good to be prepared.’

‘You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?’

‘And what’s that supposed to mean?’

‘You figure it out.’

‘So much for maturity.’

‘Just get in the car.’

‘Fine.’

'Maybe the next drive I go on won't involve a dead body.'

‘No promises. Now let’s go.’

‘So, where exactly are the docks?’

‘Why would you assume I know?’

‘It’s just that… you’ve been doing this for a while… and it’s only natural that you’d-’

‘That I’d what? Know where to dispose of evidence? That I mess this up on such a regular basis that I have a regular dumping ground?’

‘…’

‘What? What is it?’

‘Do you know the way to the docks or not?’

‘Yes, but-’

‘There we go.’

‘For the record, I know what I’m doing.’ 

‘Sure you do. Now watch the road.’

‘Hmph.’

‘What are you—we are not listening to the radio!’

‘Why not?’

‘Because tonight is already messed up enough! It doesn’t need a fucking soundtrack!’

‘Fine.’

‘Thank you... oh God.’

‘What’s the matter?’

‘Police. Behind us.’

‘How many?’

‘Just the one car.’

‘Are they following us?’

‘I don’t think so. Their sirens aren’t on.’

‘Stop looking back. Remember, we’ve done nothing wrong.’

‘That’s easy for you to say.’

‘Yes it is.’

‘Well, thanks for the encouragement.’

‘You’re welcome.’

‘Okay, they’re turning off. We’re fine.’

‘Good. Hey, are you doing okay?’

‘No Stuart, I’m not. If they had stopped us, then they’d have searched the boot, then they’d find a body with our fingerprints all over it, and we’d be completely fucked. We were _this close_ to being caught.’

‘But we weren’t. You’re being hysterical.’

‘I don’t care! I’m not doing this again! Find yourself another assistant to boss around!’

‘If that’s really how you feel…’

‘Wait, what are you doing?’

‘Brian, listen to me. You are not just an assistant to boss around. You never have been.’

‘Oh yeah? What am I then, an accomplice?’

‘I mean it. If I wanted just some… lackey, then I’d have gotten one. You’re something different. Something better. Something… _special.’_

‘…You really think that?’

‘I have for a while now. You… mean a lot to me.’

‘…Thank you Stu— _WOAH FUCK!’_

_‘Goddammit!’_

_‘Stop the car!’_

‘But we need to-‘

_‘I SAID STOP THE DAMN CAR, STUART!’_

_‘Okay, fine!’_

‘…’

‘…’

‘…Stuart?’

‘Yes Brian?’

‘What just happened?’

‘I believe we just ran someone over.’

‘Oh God. Oh God. We might’ve just killed someone.’

‘No, _I_ might’ve just killed someone. I was the one driving.’

'SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP FOR ONE MINUTE! How... how can you be so fucking _blasé_ about this?! For all we know you just ended a human life!'

‘We don’t know that for certain. And I’d prefer to keep it that way.’

‘Stuart, what are you doing?’

‘Saving our hides. Again.’

_‘No!’_

‘Hey! What are you— _get your hands off the wheel!’_

_‘Over my dead body!’_

_‘Wait, don’t touch the reverse!’_

_‘Make me!’_

_‘Brian, watch out!’_

_‘WOAH!’_

‘…’

_‘Oh God no! Stuart!_ Stuart? This isn’t funny. Wake up. _And_ your leg’s bleeding. Freaking perfect. Listen to me, I’m going to staunch the bleeding, and using my favourite jacket, too. You’d better appreciate this. Of course _your_ side of the car hit the tree, of _fucking_ course it did! Please. Please answer me.’

‘…’

‘I need you.’

'Eh...'

'Stuart?'

'Ahh..'

'Don't slap me away so you can sleep!'

'Just... a few...’

'We killed a man.'

'No… _I_ killed a man…'

'Yep.'

‘Oh shit! _Ow!’_

‘Yeah, seems like your leg took the worst of it. I think I stopped most of the bleeding. Can you walk?’

‘I think so. Where are you going?’

‘Getting the body from the boot.’

‘Don’t forget the bag of weights.’

‘Oh, how could I? Alright then. Give me your hand. How’s your leg feeling?’

‘Like hell.’

‘Well, at least it’s still attached. Come on. Get up.’

‘Give me a sec… _gah, fuck!’_

‘Shit. Here, lean on my shoulder. Take some of the pressure off your leg. That feel better?’

‘A little. Let’s finish this.’

‘How far to the docks?’

‘Not far. Just at the end of this street.’

‘Great.’

‘Hey Brian?’

‘Yes?’

‘What did you mean when you said “I need you?”

‘I… meant to carry the body. This thing weighs a ton.’

‘Yeah, sure you did.’

‘Shut up or I’ll drop you.’

‘Come on— _OW!’_

‘Oops. Butterfingers.’

‘Okay, you weren’t joking.’

‘Come on. Let’s keep moving.’

‘Don’t suppose I have a choice.’

‘Not really, no.’

‘Stellar.’

‘So, now that we’re here… uh… how do we do this?’

‘We should head over to the edge of the pier. Get as far as possible from the shore.’

‘Wouldn’t it be better to go out in a boat?’

‘Ideally, but we don’t have that sort of time. Now go.’

‘Now what?’

‘How many weights do we have?’

‘Lemme check- wait, _you don’t know?’_

‘Well, it’s… been a while since I last did this-‘

‘…’

‘What?’

‘Stuart, how many of your little fuck-ups are lying beneath those waves?’

‘It’s fine. I’ve barely used this place. Besides, I haven’t done this in months, so those others are long gone.’

‘What the— _how long have you been doing this?’_

‘That’s… not important.’

_‘I beg to differ!’_

‘Can we not do this now? We’re kind of in the middle of something.’

‘Stuart, when we get home, we’re going to have a fucking talk about this.’

‘… _Getting back on topic,_ how many weights are in the bag?’

‘Um… nothing fancy. Some chains… a few cement bricks-‘

‘That’ll do. Put the lot in with the body.’

‘Then just dump it in?’

‘Yep.’

‘Here we go then.’

‘Try to lower it in as far as you can. We don’t want a big splash.’

‘I’ll lean over the edge and lower it in. I need you to hold my legs.’

‘Will do.’

‘Going over… _fuck,_ this thing is heavy.’

‘Good. Careful not to lose your balance.’

‘Easy… easy… _’_

‘Watch it! You’re slipping!’

‘There. It’s done.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Normally I’d say “better luck next time,” but-‘

‘I know.’

‘Stuart?’

‘Yes?’

‘I’m sorry. Really I am.’

‘It’s fine. I just wanted to make the next evolution of man, then it turned into a crime against nature that erupted in a fountain of blood and plasma.’

‘It’s a tale as old as time.’

‘Heh. You always did have a way with words.’

‘So, we’re just going to leave the car here?’

‘I think that’s the best course of action.’

‘Couldn't it be traced back to us?’

‘It was a hired car. Plus I falsified the documents.'

'You really thought of everything, huh?'

'It's part of my job.'

'How’s that guy doing?’

‘I think we ran over him again when you hit reverse. Is he dead?’

‘Hold on… there’s no pulse.’

‘That’s not surprising.’

‘Stuart?’

‘What?’

‘What’s that face for?’

‘I’m just saying… since I’m in need of a new specimen-‘

‘No. _Fucking. WAY.’_

‘Yeah. You’re right. You’re—of course you’re right.’

_‘Stuart-‘_

‘I know. It’s just… old habits die hard, you know?’

‘Better than anyone. Now come on.’

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to SpiritsShackled for proofreading and helping with the dialogue and characters!
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiritsShackled
> 
> TCL: *sends early extract* wdyt  
> Spirits: Good. Is it supposed to be comedy-horror?  
> TCL: Kinda. Mainly comedy. Basically the two of them trying to dispoe of the remains of a failed Frankenstein for like 1500 words.  
> Spirits: With romance? Romcom horror?  
> TCL: Wait what do you- *pause and realisation* -you're shipping my characters, aren't you?  
> Spirits: *grins*  
> TCL: F*ck it. I'm leaving it ambiguous. Let the readers decide. Since one of them already has.
> 
> TCL: This is what happens when I spend an entire lockdown proofreading Magnum PI fanfiction.
> 
> TCL: *sends another extract*  
> Spirits: Honestly, I LOVE THIS!
> 
> TCL: wdyt  
> Spirits: Hilarious.  
> TCL: Thanks. This is probably the most fun I've ever had writing a story.
> 
> TCL: *sends extract of argument*  
> Spirits: Aww. Lovers quarrel.  
> TCL: I'm not even pretending at this point. By now these two have devolved into a bitchy gay couple.  
> Spirits: *cheers*
> 
> *remembers Spirits shipping Brian and Stuart*  
> TCL then: STOP IT! NO!  
> TCL now: F*ck it.  
> Spirits: Bitchy gay couple being cute.


End file.
